My journey with you
and unending chances
started with a leap of faith.

Though hand in hand
my mind wondered, “will we prevail,”
“will we make it far.”

Perhaps time will tell
be it delightful smile or
hang in the balance of the wheel.

But rest assured, I
will cheer on you even then
should our faiths be conquered.

- Istanbul, 2017

April 2017

“So, why here? Why this city?”

I couldn’t help but smiling a little when he threw me the question. I thought, would he, among dozens of long-lost friends I barely keep in touch with in the recent years, understand?

“Frankly, I don’t know,” I replied.

He chortled in disbelief. “You don’t know?”

I shook my head as I pursed my lips into a thin smile, perhaps hiding the actual words that could make it easier for him to know how I felt, if only I had chosen to spill them out.

“So you don’t even have any plan about what you’re going to do here?” he went on.

“Not even a little bit.” Again, I shook my head. “I just wanted to spend some hours in a train ride and the only destination that I could think of was this town.”

He nodded and hummed as he picked up his glass to drink the hot tea. When he put it down, he went to retort his idea about my sudden four-day trip to the town where he spent his university days in.

“So, is this trip—you know—kind of what they call as an escape? Like Eat, Pray, Love or something?”

I laughed, clearly in love with that idea. Might as well call this short journey as my version of Eat, Pray, Love, I thought. Except that it was much, much, shorter in time. And that I didn’t eat that much, I didn’t do ritual prayers (I have my reasons), and I wasn’t looking for love. 

I was, in fact, running away from the latter. 

It was barely two weeks before I stepped on Yogyakarta’s soil; the day when I suddenly realized that some parts of my life were crumbling down. I did not even have any idea about how I felt or what I wanted at that time. I wasn’t even sure of myself and I kept asking, have I done the right thing? Is it good for me, for us? Am I being selfish?

Perhaps, for long, deep inside I already know that I (we) have been standing on a rather shaky ground of relationship. My feet have been trying to keep my balance in between two worlds: mine and another world where feelings implicated my world. The latter is where you are. Or now I should say, were.

For some time, every time I had people asked me “how are you? Is everything fine?” I always answered with “Yeah, so, so. I am fine.” It came to a point where I asked myself, am I really okay? Did I say so because I did not know what I truly feel?

Or is it because I know that I am not okay, but I just don’t know what’s wrong?

Such questions kept nagging me for months until the day of our breakdown; when that “little” fight pushed you to pull the trigger, shooting me (us) with a bullet made of unspoken feelings that you’ve been hiding since only-God-knows-when. Everything just erupted back then.

(I should’ve realized it much sooner that you’ve been keeping the gun near to you every day in the last couple of months before we ended.)

I remembered there was so much anger mixed up with guilty feeling and sadness as I kept thinking to myself, is long distance relationship really a bullshit?

When we first started this relationship, both of us knew the consequences. We told each other that we would make it through, that we could make it work. Despite the circumstances, we were very optimistic that we could still support each other this way.

That we would always tell each other everything and talk about our problems, to find solutions and fix them together.

So, why, after years, all of our problems and fights seemed to still revolve around it?

For a whole month, days passed by in silence. I tried to reach you, but you seemed so far away. No texts, no calls, you just disappeared into thin air and there I was; blaming myself as I knew that I was the one who made this relationship harder.

In between those days, somehow I knew that I already lost you anyway.

You know what Alain de Botton said about theorists’ skepticism on love in his book entitled Essays in Love?

“…it is easier to impute similarity than investigate differences. We base our fall into love upon insufficient material and supplement our ignorance with desire.”

“In the perverse reality of love (love that is born precisely before we know) increased knowledge may be as much hurdle as an inducement for it may bring Utopia into dangerous conflict with reality.”

I read this book when I was on the train, in between sleeps and window-staring. When my eyes caught this passage, my mind flashed back to our last late-night call; when you were driving drunk and I was working on my side-job.

“You’re unlike any other girl I’ve dated before. And so when we were close back then, I feel challenged to date you.”

I remember you saying the words, somewhere in between my nags on why you drove after drinking too much and your gibberish talks about something else.

“So… you only saw me as a challenge then?”

There were more gibberish followed by cursing words. Seconds later you complained to me that a motorcycle almost hit you. 

It’s a fact known by us both that we have striking differences. Not only in daily routines, but also in our likings. I read books while you barely touch one. You run business while I’ve got almost zero interest in it. We barely have common interests, except our love for Bombay Bicycle Club’s Luna.

But, hey, isn’t there something called “opposite attracts”? was perhaps what we believed back then (or we tried to believe, maybe). We mistook butterflies in our stomachs for signs that we should be together, while maybe the shivers only meant that we were hungry for someone to talk to or have coffee with.

Difference has two sides like that of a coin. On one side it fulfills each other’s emptiness, on the other side it can kill a relationship. When differences stop being laughed at and start to become subjects of emotional fights, it is when you know that things have fallen apart.

Without a word, I know that you, too, blamed the distance. 

It was the end of April when you finally answered my call and agreed to meet me in Bandung.

During the whole month, my friends have repeatedly told me to just abruptly end things with you via telephone calls if you did not show up. I told them that I did not want to leave a bad aftertaste, especially because we also share the same circle of friends.

You showed up and hugged me with your usual gesture, like nothing happened. We sat face to face and you opened the conversation by pointing the fact that I finally started wearing glasses.

“So, I guess I should start first?” you said, calmly.

I nodded, crossing my hands on the table with my head hung low.

“I am sorry for having been missing for a month, it’s just… not easy,” you said.

I could understand, I said in silence as I continued to listen to your 30-days of contemplation.

“Apparently, I couldn’t stand the distance and you’re way too independent for me,” you said.

I smiled knowingly, but how could I tell you that I had seen this coming?

An ideal break-up is when no one from two parties in a relationship feels like being left behind. It is when two people know that things don’t work out anymore and breaking up is the way to make them stay sane.

At the time, I knew that we were on the same degree of wanting a separation.

“So, I guess we should just end this, then.”

“But, we are still friends, right?”

“Of course.”

And so you remind me of a saying,

if two past lovers can remain friends, it’s either they are still in love or never were.

I know which one we are.

Jakarta, September 2017.

P.S:

I know we already start our new lives apart from each other’s. I decided to write this because by the end of our last meeting in April you said “you never wrote about me. Write me something.” So this is it, for old time’s sake. I wish you happiness, always.

Marguerite.

If
two distant stars
should someday
cross and rule
upon us,
I want you
to know that
the space
which sunders
the moon
from the sun
never overshadows
their quest
to be here
at once.

there’s no moon tonight
no signs of stars
only a grey, cloudy sky
that reminds me of you
and the love, and everything
we choose to hide
in unspoken words
that we left out in cold.

I wonder until when
we will run away in circle
chasing the moonlight
even though we know
that the sun
has no longer shine
for what we seek.

Yogyakarta, 2017
Marguerite

It’s raining here… again.

Here, in the city, which sees thousands of souls trying their best to survive another day, every day, it’s raining hard, again.

Here, in the jungle, where more and more people coming to challenge their dreams, every day, it’s raining hard, again.

Here, in the chaos, where people keep running in circle to reach a place they used to call home, every day, it’s raining hard, again.

Here, in the nowhere, where I seek the missing pieces of myself that I’ve never had in the first place, every day, it’s raining hard, again.

It’s raining here… again.

Jakarta, Jan. 31, 2016.

M.

Anonymous asked: Cuma mau ngasih pujian sebagai stranger. Kamu punya kemampuan dan pemikiran yang hebat banget dan jarang orang punya. gila. jaman sekarang masih ada yang kaya kamu. ternyata sedalem ini orangnya.

Hi stranger. I guess I should say…. thank you (?) Ah, kamu terlalu memuji. Di luar sana banyak yang lebih hebat dan lebih dalam pemikirannya dibanding aku. Seperti kamu, misalnya.

Have a nice day, sampai berjumpa jika dipertemukan :)

So I was just randomly opening an old box when I suddenly found a faded-colored paper folded inside one of my artwork. It was a letter that I intended to give to my old friend when he was supposed to leave abroad, but maybe I forgot to bring it during our farewell meeting. 

And, I don’t know. I just want to share it here with you.

Dear friend,

So you need to go back to reality that awaits you there. Well, what’s life without farewells and encounters? We’ll see each other again soon.

Socrates once said that admirers are somewhat superior than lovers because they are purer and they love without having to receive back. Because they want the people they admire/love to grow and surrounded by goodness so the latter will be able to fly.

Believe me when I say that you’re one of the kindest person I’ve ever met and the most sincere lover out there.

So don’t ever question what’s wrong with you and your way of giving out your love because your way of loving people is a divine one. Your way might be closer to Socrates’ definition of admirers.

This is just a piece of my art, the first letter in my “Letters of Feelings”. I hope you will find someone who does not only love you, but admire you like you’re the only light bulb that is ever invented in the world.

Good luck with everything! See you in December. Be happy.

- Marguerite.