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… Oscar Wilde keeps coming back to me as I sit at the corner of a coffee shop and see people around me busy with their own things. I am one of those who love looking at people’s activities, hearing different conversations, with their distinct faces and distant feelings. Things like these always remind me that I am not the only one who is alone, as everyone who is connected with another in this universe is just the same as I am; we share the same solitude in the deepest side of our souls.

If there is one thing that I can conclude from people is that we are always fascinated by the idea of finding happiness. Finding goodness for ourselves. I think we are all mesmerized by the thought that this universe has much to offer for us. Dreams, passions, fame, things, you name it. Sometimes those things are our reasons for living and keep on fighting, but sometimes they also contribute to our breakdown that lead us to dying. The same old nature of Janus-faced, life is.

Maybe the only reason why we are always be the ones who are seeking for treasures in life is because we want to feel alive. Doesn’t it feel good to know that there is still a thing in which you can hang on to and to think that life is worth living? In Symposium, Socrates says that ones always look for things that they can possess so they can be happy. But what kind of possession that will bring goodness to oneself? Have you ever heard that sometimes, things that you possess will end up possess you? Maybe that is another question in life that we cannot answer but ponder.

I always have this kind of perception that people are naturally born realists. Humans never feel enough; always searching for things that will satisfy them, but then they never feel satisfied anyway. Isn’t Darwin right that life is survival of the fittest? Where everyone competes to get what they want in this world full of greed? I think what differs us or what shifts us from our nature of being realists is just our different paths in life. What makes us become liberalist, structuralist, existentialist, or even modernist is the way we live; our different method of getting through reality that bites us from the inside.

I used to think that the feeling of being enough is what makes us happy. When you don’t have another wishful thinking about things that would have been or could be, that is when you can feel that happiness is already inside you. But then again, I wonder what will happen when all of us feel that we do not lack anything more. What will that make us? Just some kind of living creature who breath but does not feel alive?

People are like water in river. We need to keep flowing through our own current, to ensure ourselves that life still happens to us or in other words, we still exist for life. Once the flow has stopped and we are stuck in a still water, that is the turning point where we need to try to search for another fountain or another wave to find a new treasure that will keep us coming back to life. But one needs to be aware too, that not all treasure lost as we lost our flow. The most precious and eternal treasure in your life will then become part of your water and flow with you as one with your soul. I suppose, it is the one we call home.

I can say that the key to feel alive is to keep flowing and never let the flow stops. One of many other things to always keep on flowing is to never feel enough. When we have felt enough with everything in our lives, that is when we stop searching for things that we lack. Like Diotima says, how can one feels a lack when one does not even know of what one lacks? One needs to know what one lacks and the only way to discover it is to keep looking.

We, as humans, are beautiful living creatures with different minds. But I must say that regardless of our different perceptions about things that we perceive as our treasures—dreams, passions, or even tangible things like money and gold—we grow to love those things because of our knowledge of them. Because we learn about them. Do you think that one will grow to love dreaming if one does not acknowledge one’s own ability to dream?

I must say that Oscar Wilde is true about how rare it is for people to be truly living. Most of us are very ignorant sometimes, thinking that we have been living our lives to the fullest while actually we haven’t discovered anything beyond our consciousness. We often trapped inside our own subjectivity, blinded by our egos and prides. That is always the bitter truth about humans: we see things as we are, not as they are. And to make one’s able to peek beyond oneself, one needs a bridge between one’s ignorance and wisdom of life.

I believe that it is knowledge—the waves and tides that will help us to keep our current flowing. It is the path that will prevail to us that there is much more in this universe than meets the eye. Its purpose is to open our minds and make us realize that we understand nothing about everything, so that we will never feel enough. We will soon grow the thirst of searching for more. It will keep us flowing because we will always be seeking for our treasures even when we have grown old, mentally and physically. Through that we can feel alive and do not merely exist as just living corpses with no souls.

There must be reasons and purposes beyond our existence and I believe one of them is to make our presence significant in this universe. As simple as making someone smile or making someone laugh. I often think that life will be wasted in vain if we don’t have the courage to discover it. Discover more and peek beyond the visible.Cliche it is, but we only live once. And in my opinion, undiscovered life is just meaningless.

I am just a 21 years old human who haven’t experienced the bitterness of the real world, even though the life I live is not really that sweet at all. But as a conclusion, I personally believe that the key to be alive is knowledge itself.

There is more.

You have to love people who love knowledge. Because maybe, just maybe, they are also the ones who keep you alive.

People aren’t used to that way of thinking. They want everything to stay the same—"
“—and the consequence of that is pain.

Paulo Coelho, Aleph.

We are nothing but two distant stars; fall apart from the same sky, into different grounds of loneliness.

I loved your translation of "A faint clap of thunder". Thank you

You are very welcome! The haiku is really beautiful, isn’t it?

I keep thinking about this river somewhere, with the water moving really fast. And these two people in the water, trying to hold onto each other, holding on as hard as they can, but in the end it’s just too much. The current’s too strong. They’ve got to let go, drift apart. That’s how it is with us. It’s a shame, Kath, because we’ve loved each other all our lives. But in the end, we can’t stay together forever.

Kazuo Ishiguro (via amandaonwriting)

Kali ini, untukmu


Sudah malam, aku tahu. Lebih baik cepat terlelap karena esok pagi rutinitas akan kembali menyapa dan hidup harus kembali berjalan. Baiklah, hari esok hanyalah segelintir kenyataan yang perlu dihadapi. Tidak kurang, tidak lebih.

Begitupun adanya kamu.

Kau seperti setumpuk kenyataan di atas ubun-ubunku: membuatku harus berjalan tegak dan menatap lurus ke depan agar tumpukan itu tidak jatuh berserakan. Entah sejak kapan, kenyataan bersamamu ibarat boneka porselen antik. Secantik apapun, ringkihnya tetap setengah mati.

Bukan inginku untuk menuliskan ribuan alasan lain yang kuharap dapat mengobatimu. Cukup, kau dan aku sudah sama-sama sakit. Tapi aku yakin kau paham: dirimu mungkin tak memerlukan resep lain untuk bangkit berdiri, namun aku membutuhkan ini untuk kembali menjadi diriku sendiri.

Ketahuilah terlebih dulu bahwa rasa ini tak akan padam. Mungkin belum, ya, aku pun tak tahu. Hanya bagaimanapun, ialah bagian dari sel tumbuhan yang kita tanam sejak awal. Bukankah benar, segala sesuatu berasal dari atom-atom kecil yang mengisi ruang dan waktu tempat kita pertama kali menghujamkan hati pada mata satu sama lain?

Namun entah mengapa aku pernah berfirasat bahwa hari ini akan tiba. Saat di mana lautan ganas berhasil menenggelamkan kapalku hingga ke dasar laut, meninggalkanku dengan siluet punggungmu yang menantiku di dermagamu. Di mana kau dan aku sadar bahwa kita kini berbeda, bahkan nyaris sepenuhnya berseberangan dengan konsep ‘kita’ di masa lampau. 

Mungkin gelintiran kalimat yang menusukmu di waktu itu, mungkin juga perasaanku yang tak lagi mengalir sederas dulu. Apa sebabnya, aku pun tak tahu. Seperti dirimu yang terus meragu: bisakah dua jiwa yang sekian lama bersama menjadi enggan untuk saling bertatap muka?

Tapi aku tahu bahwa hati kita telah sama-sama mengerti. Kita telah menyeberangi persimpangan jalan yang berbeda, yang membuat kau dan aku tak dapat lagi berjalan beriringan. Tak lagi dua tangan yang saling bertaut menemani setiap langkah kita, tak lagi dua pasang lengan yang saling mendekap menjadi tempat singgah di kala gundah. Kini kau ke selatan dan aku ke utara; kita telah berbeda arah. 

Selama ini kita terus bertanya, pada hati dan pikiran, juga mungkin pada mereka yang tak pernah mengerti namun kita paksa untuk merasa: salah siapakah ini? Kerap kali kusalahkan diriku sendiri, tanpa setitik pun inginku untuk kau menyalahkan dirimu. Adakah seorang yang kita sayang akan kita biarkan untuk mendera hatinya sendiri? Tanpa jawab pun aku sudah paham; tak mungkin aku rela.

Jika menginginkan kambing hitam, salahkanlah ia yang tak bernama, yang suatu hari menyadarkanku bahwa berjalan berdampingan membutuhkan lebih dari sekedar rasa sayang. Bahwa menjadi satu bukan berarti meleburkan diri, namun tak lantas bergerak statis seperti kereta api di jalurnya masing-masing. Manusia dapat mengada, namun hati akan selalu merasa. Berbagai strategi telah kita coba, bermacam kompromi sudah kita buat, namun ternyata apa yang sejak awal kita coba untuk pahami, tak selamanya dapat disiasati.

Pada akhirnya kita bermuara pada diri masing-masing, menyadari bahwa arti bersama saat ini tak lagi dapat kita gapai berdua. Sudah cukup, ujarku berat. Kuputuskan untuk melepas, sebelum kita berdua murka dan larut dalam amarah.

Namun barangkali ini bukan sebuah akhir berujung perpisahan yang kekal. Barangkali persimpangan ini hanya jalan untuk kita berputar, untuk kita sama-sama mencari apa yang mungkin hilang dan apa yang sebenarnya telah kita temukan. Barangkali esok akan memberikan kita kesempatan atau justru mengaburkan kita. Atau barangkali kau dan aku akan menjalani takdir masing-masing, untuk akhirnya bertemu kembali di suatu hari yang akan datang nanti.

Barangkali juga kau hanya akan menjadi barangkali.  Lagi-lagi, kita tak akan pernah tahu.

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Seperti burung camar yang terbang bebas tanpa tahu arah tujuan sang angin,

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takdir ini, hanya Tuhan dan semesta yang tahu.

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Kita hanya ada.



Untuk dua pasang mata yang saling dimengerti, genggaman tangan yang bertaut erat, tetesan air mata yang tak kunjung reda, dan satu rengkuhan hangat yang cukup berbicara; ingatlah selalu mereka, yang menjadi penutup perjalanan kali ini.

and for all things that were, are, and will be.



Marguerite.